I don't know why I let things take over my thoughts when I know I have more important things to be concerned with. Old habits die hard. Real hard. I suppose a lot of people feel they are fighting their battles alone and it has definitely been one of those weeks. I see people around me taking the little things for granted when they have never experienced life without it. I do envy them at times and wonder how life would be for me if I had the same but that kind of thinking takes you down a perilous road.
I've lived my life following many rules and trying to be a good person through and through. Making good decisions, good gestures, good intentions, good resolutions, good fight. I wander now if I have suppressed my instincts, passions and initial desires in the bargaining of obtaining a blessing I can't see. It's a thankless choice with little reward except the knowledge that you did the right thing hurting as little people as possible. But do I feel more alive, more lived? Not really. Have I sacrificed my happiness for the happiness of others- yes. So what do I do now? Make a conscious decision to change. Who do I become then? Can I be a more cold version of someone with so much heart?
I want to play with fire. I can live with the scorn. I want to learn some new lessons. I'm stunting my growth this way. Surrounded by bull**** sometimes its hard to remain the same. Maybe its time to say the things I never said, or do the things I never did.
Sometimes you just got to do what you ain't do.
No comments:
Post a Comment