I haven't actually had a chance to write about my experience to the USA since I got back as University started pretty much straight away!... But I occasionally catch myself drifting to the collection of good memories I made there. Today was one of those days. I woke up reminiscing on a memory of myself:
"...strolling down State street alone with my i-pod on as I browsed the shops and took in the freedom of being on the other side of the world in a strange place. It was a weird feeling one that came with great pleasure and a lot of anxiety. I had never been anywhere in the world alone but it was almost soothing to know I did it." (Extract from Part 2)
I literally booked a ticket less than a week in advance and up and left to stay with my beautiful friend in Chicago whom I had only really known over the space of 3 months while she studied here in London, but we grew very close. She was a study abroad student doing one semester of her course in London. It was odd how we met, we literally just got to talking and hit it off. I loved how different she was, she had a totally different way of looking at things and I loved how you could be serious with her but at the same time be totally crazy. Before I knew it it was time for her to go back to Michigan. I still remember the day she left, I helped her pack two very large suitcases in her rented box room. She had too much to pack that she was practically throwing things my way. I took a hoody off her hands- but it was more of a memorabilia of her. It was emotional but at the same time in some weird way it felt as though is wasn't the last time we would see each other and I remember thinking I am going to be friends with this girl for a very long time.
Fast forward two years! All the time trying to keep in touch through email or lengthy facebook messages. Something was calling me to the USA. It was something we had talked about over the past few years but just seemed as though it would never happen....
Something changed. I guess I was at a time in my life when I had learned that you have to think about yourself first sometimes before others, because whilst you were thinking of them they however wasn't thinking of you. I was suffering from a bruised heart and ego but it sparked my thirst to do something that was just mine. Just for me. Something I could learn from and enjoy freely as I felt stuck in a rut. I was no longer lingering on the side of consequence. I could only see the now. It was definitely a now or never moment and I seized it.
But it wasn't easy psyching myself up to go and at times I found myself looking for excuses not to. Or when I hit a bump in the road with not finding the right ticket, it was back to 'well maybe I should just stay'. It was easier to stay in my comfort zone than to electrocute myself out of slumber. Just when I thought my analytical side was taking over- I saw the ticket. The one that was fairly priced, the right dates and bearable flying times. There was no hesitation.
Before I knew it I was sitting in front of a screen that said "Thank you for choosing American Airlines, a confirmation email will be sent to you shortly" and I was thinking. O.M.G!
I was leaving in 4 days. Where's my suitcase? I need to call Laurel, what should I take?! A moment of excitement and panic set in as it was no longer an idea or desire that was sat dormant in my head. Now it was out there. It was real, it was happening. The few days flew by as it was my birthday weekend. It was odd for me because I always get anxious around my birthday, I guess its because I have had a few birthdays that didn't go so well and this melancholy feeling just always seemed to linger around my birthday because of it. But not this year. Everything was new in all aspects of my life and so was my experience of my birthday. Never had it been so amazing. I was overwhelmed as to how much love I received and it meant so much to me- I was on a slight high! It was definitely a time where every aspect in my life was finally aligning and I thought this stuff doesn't happen to me, so as you can imagine I cherished every moment of that feeling as much as I could.
And then when all the fun, partying and plans were over... It was time for me to go. I spent most of my last day with my mum and it was odd because as fine as I was, the night before I was due to leave, I began to feel very anxious about it. Now, looking back I think that I was just "overwhelmed" from the fast pace that everything happened in but at the time I just felt like a little girl lost in wonderland.
I pulled it together well I always do. I don't remember much about the actual day just that I caught a cab to the airport my mum wanted to see me off so she came too. I breezed through check in, I remember hearing a lot of American accents around me trying to familiarize myself! It was all very exciting but scary- all I kept thinking was I have NO idea where I am going!?? What happens when I get there! I tried not to let those thoughts cloud my excitement and thought I'll just figure it out when I get there! I'm capable. Even if the worst happens! I'll handle it.
Once my mum left me, it was just me in my thoughts surrounded by these hundreds of people scurrying around duty free like it was a city itself or a train station but more upmarket. I get motion sickness when I travel - I know not very glamorous! But I had tablets for that. I came in more than enough time so I could make sure I got to my gate on time (Virgo characteristics peeking through there). It was ridiculous how many times I reached down into my bag to feel my passport, just to make sure it was still there. After I had bought what I needed to I began that long walk to the gate my flight was at.....it was kind of like the first day you start high school- that feeling except its not school, your not 13, and you know a bit more about life.
I had no one sitting next to me and had an isle seat so that was convenient. I thought of all the ways I could kill the time for this 9 hour flight. My mind wasn't being very creative at the time because my anxiety for traveling was starting to kick in as I heard the engine start up and the annoying cabin crew run their "important" but useless mime act....but there was comfort somewhere inside me as I saw the outside moving slow- I was happy to be leaving. Happy to be 'running' away because for once in a long time my soul, the essence of who I am, felt alive. I felt like me , the me that I see myself as. This is something she would do and she was doing it.
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